I’d like to apologize to Chris Brown and to his fans that are known as ‘Team Breezy.’ To Mr. Brown, I apologize for referencing the fact that you beat the crap out of Rihanna. [Laughter in background] It was disrespectful of me to draw attention to the fact that you put your girlfriend in the hospital. And further, it was not my place to make people remember that you beat a woman with your fists, leaving her with multiple facial contusions, a bloody nose and a split lip. I know that now.

“I also appreciate the fact that you tweeted me, letting me know that children conduct themselves better than I do. You are correct, and I could only hope to one day mature to the point where I can conduct myself in a more adult manner. Possibly by throwing a chair out of a window and storming out of a building with my shirt off. [Laughter] I ask only for your patience.

“To Team Breezy, I would also like to say that I’m sorry. Thank you for your thousands of tweets, which taught me a lot about the creative possibilities of spelling, grammar, and syntax. Possibilities I couldn’t even imagine before last night. In particular I’d like to thank the female members of Team Breezy, who have taught me that as long as you can sing, you can beat the living hell out of a woman and other women will still love you.

“And lastly, I apologize to everyone for using Twitter to subtly address the fact that I think it’s disgusting that a guy who put his girlfriend in the hospital can, a mere two years later, be warmly welcomed back into society and appear on shows such as Saturday Night Live, as if everything he did magically never happened. It won’t happen again…

“Really, the only thing Chris Brown is guilty of? A felony.